Funny jokes

VIDEO: Day-O (Banana boat song)

2006-02-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

It's "Funny Video Friday" from Jakes Jokes - The Sequel... This is an older funny flash video featuring George Bush and Colin Powell singing the Banana Boat song (You know... the one that goes "Day-O... me say day, me say day, me say Day-O!"

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia135_Fmedia.html

Are you my wife?

2006-02-16T15:28:00.000-08:00

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Funny joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=1706

Confused archeologist

2006-02-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you confuse an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=17665

Yo mama so stupid...

2006-02-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Funny joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=7806

Microsoft fix-all

2006-02-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

There are three engineers in a car - an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work..."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=691

Casino Blonde

2006-02-12T10:30:00.000-08:00

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude."

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=16925

Where's your wife?

2006-02-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied, "Thank God... I thought I had gone deaf!"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=9200

Yo mama so stupid...

2006-02-10T14:31:00.000-08:00

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=7744

Blonde interview

2006-02-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=16707

Sick girl in church

2006-02-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=6403

R. Kelly groaner

2006-02-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

Why do R. Kelly's parties always end at 6 in the morning?

Because he has to get all the girls to school by 7:00.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=38057

Chauvanist pig

2006-02-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=17469

Steelers Fan joke

2006-02-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE WORLD CHAMPION PITTSBURGH STEELERS!

Jakes Jokes is proudly based in Pittsburgh, and this one goes out to our boys in Black and Gold from all of us back home in Da Burgh!

A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Seahawks fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Seahawks fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Browns fan to my back."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=38081

Words to live by

2006-02-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'd rather have lobsters on my piano than crabs on my organ.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=2076

VIDEO: Is Sisqo Gay

2006-02-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

It's "Funny Video Friday" from Jakes Jokes - The Sequel... This one goes out to all of those celebrities who can't seem to work up the courage to come out of the closet. I won't mention any names, because I wouldn't want Tom Cruise to sue me.

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia166_Fmedia.html

Happy Groundhog Day

2006-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

What do you get when you cross a black guy with a groundhog?

Six more weeks of basketball.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=3786

Redneck definition

2006-02-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

Redneck definition:

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=9255

Her husband's face

2006-01-31T15:20:00.000-08:00

Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," answered Suzie.

"Well, how did he look?" asked the shrink.

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well Suzie, that's very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only ever seen your husband's face once during sex? That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

Suzie replied, "He was looking through the window at us."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=598

Transparent blonde

2006-01-30T19:55:00.000-08:00

Q. What did the blonde teacher's aide do when she discovered that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=19635

Mohammad Jim-Bob Abullaka

2006-01-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?

A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=12672

Proper grammar

2006-01-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

Remember Little Timmy? He's the foul-mouthed boy who lives down the block from Little Johnny.

Anyway...

Little Timmy was sitting in the back of the class the other day, squirming. He raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I have to piss."

Flustered, the teacher said, "That is not the correct word to use, Timmy. The correct word is urinate." She told Timmy that he could go to the bathroom if he could correctly use the word "urinate" in a sentence when he returned.

Little Timmy came back from his trip to the potty and sat down. "Can you use 'urinate' in a sentence, Timmy?" the teacher asked.

"Yes," Timmy said. "Right now ur-in-ate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=18584

VIDEO: Pull my finger

2006-01-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

It's "Funny Video Friday" from Jakes Jokes - The Sequel... This one is dedicated to the strange uncle who insists on asking you to pull his finger. You know who I'm talking about... every family has one of these guys.

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia174_Fmedia.html

The baby's ears

2006-01-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby."

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "Why, yes Johnny. The doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said "Well, its a good thing, cause he damn sure couldn't wear glasses!"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=17751

Chapped lips

2006-01-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

"I have chapped lips."

"Does manure help them heal?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking them."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=12202

Swimming for shore

2006-01-24T10:21:00.000-08:00

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles from shore. They decide to try to swim to shore.

The brunette swims 7 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead swims 10 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The blonde swims 19 miles, gets tired, and swims back to the island.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=16736

Corporate America

2006-01-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

It's dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

Communication is something your group is having problems with

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You're already late on the assignment you just got

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers

Your boss' favorite lines are, "When you get a few minutes" or "When you're freed up"

Your boss' second favorite lines are, "...this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

You read this entire list and understood it.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=759

Historical figures

2006-01-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

In the international school of Ireland, there is a very patriotic history teacher.

One day, the teacher asked his students, "Who is the most important man in the history of the world?" He then offered 2 shillings to the student who gets the right answer.

A French student stands up and says, "Napoleon Bonaparte was the most important man in the history of the world."

The teacher looked at him and said, "Napoleon was a great man, no doubt, but he wasn't the most important man, or the man I'm looking for. Sorry, no shilling for ya."

Then, an Italian student stands up and says, "Leonardo da Vinci was the most important man in the history of the world."

The teacher looked at him and said, "Leonardo da Vinci was a great man also, no doubt, but he wasn't the most important man, or the man I'm looking for. Sorry, no shilling for ya either."

Then, a Jewish student stands up, out of no where and says, "To me, the most important man in the history of the world is St. Patrick."

The teachers eyes became wide with joy and shouted, "YES! This is the man I was waiting for! St. Patrick is the greatest man in the history of the world!! Here are ya 2 shillings. Ya earned them!"

After class, the teacher comes up the the happy Jewish student and asks, "You are Jewish... then how come you said St. Patrick is the most important man in the history of the world?"

Then the Jewish student replyed, "Well, in my opinion, Moses was the most important man in the history of the world... but you know, business is business."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=4005

How many Microsoft...

2006-01-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but it'll probably take him 12 versions to get it right.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=38082

VIDEO: Yes or No?

2006-01-20T17:55:00.000-08:00

It's that time again... another hilarious "Funny Video Friday" from Jakes Jokes - The Sequel...

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia201_Fmedia.html

Usenet geeks

2006-01-19T15:37:00.000-08:00

Q: How many alt.anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to say it can't be done because there aren't enough vowels, one to be clever and change "a lightbulb" into "bull bit hag", and one to try and sell copies of the "Anagrams for Windows" program he wrote.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=9604

Yo mama!

2006-01-18T17:32:00.000-08:00

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=7802

Make love, not omeletes

2006-01-17T03:57:00.000-08:00

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.

"She was in sheer ectasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=11042

Political correctness bites

2006-01-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

Far be it from me to not celebrate Martin Luther King day. He didn't invent anything, improve anything, make a movie, write a song, or actually make the world a better place in any way. But if my government wants to celebrate it so that all of the old white politicians can feel good about themselves and have an extra paid day off, then so be it. Of course, this means that my bank is closed, and that my DSL won't be getting fixed for yet ANOTHER day, but whatever...

Note that if we officially celebrated anything relating to anyone who stood up for the rights of white people in the US, we'd be called racists. (This is the same reason there's no such thing as the United Honky College Fund... Apparently it's only politically correct to discriminate if you're not white.) Therefore, consider this my official protest of the most useless federally recognized holiday ever, and I'll drop the issue after this post. So without any further ado...

What do you call two black guys on a bike?

Organized crime.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=1138

What not to say

2006-01-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

Things a woman should never say to a man in bed...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird!!!

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=914

Golf is a drag

2006-01-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked him what was wrong.

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry," he said, "but I always get emotional at this hole... it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack - right at this very hole!"

The other golfers were stunned by this revelation. "That must have been a horrible day for you!"

Bob cried out in disbelief, "Horrible doesn't even begin to cover it. It was absolute hell for me. Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse, it was 'hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...'"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=16811

VIDEO: I'm a cow

2006-01-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday the 13th, boys and girls. We've got a special treat for you today, to help you remember that despite all the hype and superstition surrounding Friday the 13th, today is just another completely awesome "Funny Video Friday" from Jakes Jokes - The Sequel...

This is entitled "I'm a Cow", and is just too freakin' funny to pass up... it's one of those videos that you've just got to watch a couple of times and then send it to about 300 friends. It takes a couple of seconds to load, but it's totally worth it.

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia192_Fmedia.html

Lawyers and lightbulbs

2006-01-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=9881

Difference between leech and IRS

2006-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Q: What's the difference between a leech and the IRS?

A: The leech will leave you alone when you die!

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=17985

The Hindu, the Jew, and the lawyer...

2006-01-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

The farmer continued to tell them that they were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, there was another a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn that served as the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=6356

One tough hooker...

2006-01-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.

"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."

"Fine, "said the lumberjack," and tell her to bring a couple of beers."

In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her crotch.

"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"

"Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=11205

Monkey see, monkey blonde

2006-01-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks into it.

"WOW! I know this person. I've seen her before."

The other blonde takes the mirror from the first, looks into it herself and says, "Of course you do. That’s me!"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=10363

The choice of a blonde generation

2006-01-07T22:24:00.000-08:00

Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?

A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=4754

VIDEO: Alcohol warning labels

2006-01-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

Somebody really oughtta put accurate warnings on alcohol... Maybe something like this:

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia134_Fmedia.html

Baseball in heaven

2006-01-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal... if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The infield is made of solid gold, and the bases are fluffy clouds. It's absolutely amazing!"

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=11983

The letter to God

2006-01-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

A man worked in a small-town post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter with shaky handwriting came to his desk, addressed simply to "God". He thought, "I'd better open this one and see what it’s all about."

So he opened it and it read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner, to celebrate the resurrection of your son. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

"PS - There was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=12033

Blonde passenger

2006-01-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger in your car?

A: You can park in a handicapped space.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=4659

Toe-tally clowning around...

2006-01-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.”

Shouting out to his friend, he asks, “HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=10586

Some science jokes to kick off the new year

2006-01-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? According to Sir Issac Newton, chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, while chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says, "For you, no charge."

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."

Two atoms bump into each other. One says, "I think I lost an electron!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

Renee Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sir, can I get you a martini?" Descartes says, "I don't think..." and he disappears.

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=8954

What's the difference?

2005-12-31T12:26:00.000-08:00

Q. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A. Beer nuts are about a dollar fifty and deer nuts are usually under a buck.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=18914

VIDEO: Purple People Eater

2005-12-30T12:29:00.000-08:00

Tap-dancing monsters... What is the world coming to?

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia195_Fmedia.html

How do you confuse a blonde?

2005-12-29T12:23:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't. They're born that way.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=4715

Polish ice fishing

2005-12-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

Pete Kowalski decided to go ice fishing one winter's day. As he started drilling his hole a voice from above said "There are no fish under the ice!"

Three times he started to drill, and three times he heard the same words.

Finally he looked toward the sky and asked "Is that you, Lord?"

"No, stupid" came the reply, "I'm the hockey rink announcer."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=19101

On The Sea

2005-12-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read the written transcript:

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=506

The twelve days after Christmas

2005-12-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=9481

Just another day at the office...

2005-12-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=9479

How Santa Got His Groove Back

2005-12-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible - those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots - they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad, just picture this
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air, dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job - there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=12766

VIDEO: Europe vs. Italy

2005-12-23T21:09:00.000-08:00

All Italians may be European, but not all Europeans are Italian...

Funny flash video found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/video/playmedia198_Fmedia.html

Belize

2005-12-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Belize!

Belize who?

Belize in yourself, and anyzing is pozzible!

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=6796

You might be a redneck...

2005-12-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

If during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together... you might be a redneck.

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=19941

Chaos Theory

2005-12-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

Seems there were these three professionals sitting debating which profession had been around the longest.

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=11384

Yo mama so fat...

2005-12-19T20:55:00.000-08:00

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose!

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=1550

Twins

2005-12-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, where he is named "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of her other son. Her husband responds, "But they are twins... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=8904

African missionary

2005-12-17T20:40:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=3281

Bag Boy

2005-12-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

A lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome blonde muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Coochie."

He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=16930

Afraid of the Dark

2005-12-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Joke found at: http://www.jakesjokes.com/view.php?joke=17557